What’s up blogger amigos? (Blogmigos?)
Did you think I was done?
Did you think I just got drunk one morning and made up this website only to abandon it later?
Well, I’m going to quote my favorite pretend gangster on that:
Dr. Dre comin back (shit) I never left
That means I just finished baking a fresh batch of Bad Blogging Advice for you. So, open up. This post is about to get nutritious.
Right? Answer me! Of course you do. So, get your pencil and write this down. It’s your new gameplan.
1. SEO the shit out of your blog.
SEO is a big deal. It’s probably the most important thing you can know how to do. (Fuck learning how to write, amiright?) How do you make some SEO? Well, there are about seven million SEO blogs that you need to start reading every day. That’d be a good place to start, but I’m going to save you some time and let you in on my secret system.
Here’s the 18 part SEO process I go through whenever I write a new blog post. It’s how I made it to the A-List. Or is it A-Team? I can’t remember what we’re calling ourselves these days.
- Wake up and have 30 grams of protein for breakfast. You can’t SEO on an empty stomach. #paleo
- Do some keyword research to figure out what to write about.
- You’re looking for keywords that are really popular but not too competitive.
- So, you might combine two popular keywords in a way they haven’t been combined before. Like “twerking” and “government shutdown”.
- Those are both hot topics right now, and if you combine them, it makes a lot of sense. Don’t think about it, just do it. #nike
- Register a new domain name: TwerkingGovernmentShutdown.com was already taken, but you can just switch those words around. I’m the proud owner of GovernmentTwerkingShutdown.com. #boom
- Install WordPress at your new domain.
- You can’t have too many blogs! Remember that. Aim for one new blog per week. You’re building an empire here.
- Now, go back to your main blog and write a post all about Twerking and the Government Shutdown. Give it a really hypey title, like “Exposed: The Twerking/Government Shutdown Connection” #clickbait!
- Then expose the shit out of that connection with at least 1500 words of blogging deliciousness. That’s the magic number.
- Use the words “twerking” and “government shutdown” often in your writing. Aim for at least once per … I dunno … once per sentence.
- Make sure you also include some affiliate links to random Clickbank products (you need a monetization strategy, duh)
- Now publish your post and then make a sandwich. No turkey! It’s too early in the day for that, and plus, you’re a vegan now.
- Now it’s time to start your link building. This is the most important part of blogging and SEO and filling up the internet so people don’t run out of things to read.
- Log into your new website at GovernmentTwerkingShutdown.com and write 10 new blog posts.
- Each of these posts should be at lest 300 words. You can use some “spinning software” to save time. (Spinning software is like a Vitamix for words. It just mixes them up and pulverizes them until they’re a smooth brownish paste. Mmmm, delicious content.)
- Link each one of those 10 posts on your new site back to the big post you wrote on your main blog. You’ve just built 10 new links to your new post, which means it could potentially outrank literally any other post about “Twerking and The Government Shutdown”
- Go to starbucks and start working on your digital product.
I was going to write another tip about how to dominate the internets with your blog, but I just had a giant pumpkin latte and now I have a sugar low and I’m getting sleepy and the last time I fell asleep at starbucks I woke up in the breakroom handcuffed to a teenage shoplifter who was caught impersonating a barista in order to steal coffee grounds because he wanted to use them as mulch in his organic garden. We had to talk to the police a lot, and I don’t have time for that today.
Anyway, I’m going to keep this second tip short.
2. Comment on a lot of other blogs
This is how you get on the radar of other bloggers. Let me explain how blogger-radar works.
When you become an official A-Team blogger, you get a package in the mail. Inside the package is a radar system. I remember when I got mine. It was the second best day of my life (first best day was October 1st of every single year when they start rolling out the pumpkin lattes at Starbucks).
My hope for you, dear reader (btw, that link is worth a click), is that someday you will walk up to your tiny apartment and find that your own blogger radar has been delivered. If you want that, and you want to make the A-Team, this is what you have to do.
Look up all the most popular bloggers on the internet and then subscribe to their email lists.
Tip: when you subscribe to their email list, use a special email address just for them. Something like firstname.lastname@example.org. You need to start standing out from the crowd, and when they see that address subscribe to their list, they’ll definitely want to
investigate you learn about you.
Next, go to Starbucks and wait. Check your email every few seconds and look for their new posts. As soon as you get a notification of their post, you need to click through and leave a comment as quickly as possible. You absolutely must be the first person to leave a comment on their post. Otherwise, you won’t set off their radar and you’ll go unnoticed and unloved.
Tip: you don’t actually have to read their post. That takes too much time. Just leave a comment that says something like, “wow, another great post! Thanks so much! Looking forward to the next one! I’m going to think about your post when I’m writing my next post for yourblogaddress.com!” #boom
Remember, this is about being first. And using a lot of exclamation points. That’s how you trip off the radar and get noticed. Noticed!
When you leave your comment, make sure to put something memorable in the name field that describes your entire website and brand.
So, mine would be “John from Bad Blogging Advice, the Worst Advice About Blogging… In The World.”
And also have a trademark sign-off at the end of your comment. That’s the best way to get remembered and make sure your blip is big when you show up on the blogger’s radar.
Here’s a real SEO pro showing us how it’s done:
Actually, that example really says it all, doesn’t it? A real pro showing you how it’s done.
On that note, I’m signing off.