Bad Blogging Advice

Hmm… 3 steps doesn’t seem like a lot. Whatever, you’re here, so it’s not like you care.

Seriously though, this is how to succeed at blogging:

1. Quit your job.
2. Pick something to blog about.
3. Then just start typing.

You’re welcome.

 

Ok, so, while you’re waiting to make all that money blogging, you’re going to need something to pay the bills before you can retire as a wealthy blogger.

Here’s your fallback plan: become a “Social Media Expert”

This is the latest trend from 5 years ago. Which is like yesterday in geologic time, and like irrelevant in actual time. Basically, cutting edge stuff for a lot of you.

What exactly does a social media expert do?

Well, for one thing, they don’t answer that question in great detail. But I’ll tell you how to become a social media expert.

1. Register for a Twitter and a Pinterest and probably a Tumblr
2. Buy a few thousand fake Twitter followers on Fiverr.com
3. You’ve already got a Facebook and a YouTube. Just use what you have already.
4. Then start emailing businesses something like this, “Hey, I’m a local Social Media Expert (be sure to capitalize it like that, like it actually means something), and I noticed you could be marketing yourself better on Facebook/Pinterest/Twitter. I’d be happy to help you out with that. I have more than 3,000 Twitter followers (see #2, above) and I could (say “could”, not “will”, because hey, anything’s possible) help you get more customers from Social Media (again, capitalize it). You’ve probably heard of all the Social Media sites and know they can help grow your business. I’m here to help.”
5. Be sure to use really shitty grammar, because, and I’m going to be really honest here, you’re not going to fool any smart people with this pitch and you need a way to weed them out. The last thing you want to do is spend time on the phone with a smart prospect because you’re not going to be able to answer their questions. So, weed out anyone who went to college.

Anyway, make up some kind of price and then talk to them about Facebook a few times. Sign them up for Twitter, and Boom. You’re in business.

If you want to take it to the next level, you could start a blog about being a social media expert. Whoa, that’s a good idea.

Did you know that the Huffington Post is a blog? Sort of.

They post like 40 times a day. Or 100. Fuck, I don’t know.

You want to be rich, right? You want to quit your job and become a pro blogger?

Then you need to start publishing every single day.

And not just once a day. Probably at least 7 posts a day. Or 77. However many you can do, do that.

Forget sleep. That’s why bloggers all work at Starbucks. It’s not because we can’t afford a real office, or a real apartment. Or a comfortable car to sleep and work in.

No, it’s because we need to stay jacked on espresso to stay awake long enough to post stuff every day.

The “creative juices” are all coffee. That’s why so many bloggers come from San Francisco and Portland. Big coffee scenes in those cities.

See, it all makes sense. Now go get back to typing.

 

The average American only has $6,000 in retirement savings.

I just made up that number. I actually have no idea. It seems low, but bear with me.

Times are tough for the baby boomer generation, and they’re all about to retire and something something break the economy something Social Security. Basically, we’re all fucked.

But there’s a solution and it’s pretty important.

You already know you can quit your job and become a blogger. You just pick something to blog about and start typing, and the rest takes care of itself. Pretty much.

But what if you don’t have a job anymore because you’re retired? Or what if you want to retire, but you did some math and that six grand isn’t going to last you very long? You need another option.

Guess what it is.

Yep. It’s to start a blog about blogging in retirement. You could call it Boomer Blogging or something like that. The best part is that you’ll have a huge (and desperate) audience (this is really important). And, you’ll never run out of content. Here are some topic ideas:

• You could write about how to stretch $6,000 by moving in with your kids.
• If you don’t have kids, you could write about how to adopt wealthy adult children.
• You could write about how to dramatically increase the default font size on your Microsoft Surface tablet.
• Soup recipes.
• The possibilities are endless, really.

Anyway, this is a pretty amazing idea and you should get on it now.

“Blogging is the future of retirement planning.” – unattributed

Hurry!

Hey. Hopefully you’ve quit your job by now and you’re ready to start to think about what you should start thinking about blogging about. Amiright?

OK, this is the most important part of blogging. You have to pick a certain thing to write about or you won’t make all that delicious blogging money.

Here are your options.

1. Blog about blogging

This is probably the easiest way to go. Here’s a secret. Blogging about blogging is like a legal pyramid scheme.

Here’s how it works… A long time ago one guy started blogging about blogging. It was great. People read his blog about blogging and they starting blogging too. Also about blogging, naturally. They bought his product about blogging and they used it to start blogging about blogging, and then they made their own products about blogging about blogging and they sold their products to the next tier of bloggers about blogging. Simple, right?

It might seem like this idea is played out, but it definitely isn’t. Want proof? You’re reading a blog about blogging right now (whoa!), and I live near San Francisco, which is in California, which means I definitely know a lot about blogging. See, easy.

2. Blog about traveling

This one is easy too. I’ve never done it, but I could because I have a credit card. This is how it works: Go to an airport and buy a plane ticket. If you don’t already have a Macbook Air, stop by your local Apple Store and pick one up on your way to the airport. You’ll need it. Anyway, get a plane ticket to somewhere (Thailand works best for some reason) and then fire up your computer and start talking about what you’re doing. Go to Thailand (or Mexico or whatever) and just start typing. That’s it! The money will start rolling in somehow and you just keep doing that forever. Airport, airplane, typing, money. Boom.

3. Blog about marketing

This one is a little harder because you probably don’t know much about marketing, but don’t worry, most marketing bloggers don’t either and they’re all doing AWESOME. Here’s what you do. Start a blog about marketing. Then, start learning about marketing from other marketing bloggers. Basically write about whatever they’re writing about and include lots of TACTICS and SECRETS. There are SO MANY marketing secrets. Almost everything in marketing is a secret. And that’s no secret.

Basically, just share the best secrets that other people share and then you’ll be a marketing blogger. Here’s the key, when it comes time to sell an ebook about marketing, make sure you get other marketing bloggers on board with you to help you promote it. Because, marketing. Can you smell the money yet?

Get started today. I believe in you.

[BREAKING NEWS] You should definitely quit your job right now. Seriously, do it now and then read the rest of this post. In that order. The order is important.

Have you heard of Internet?

It’s a magical place where money falls out of the sky a series of tubes right into your greedy little lap. But you have to play by the rules in order to make money on the internets. Luckily, the rules are simple. What are they?

1. Move that cat off your lap. (to make room for all that delicious money)
2. Quit your job.
3. Start a blog.
4. ???
5. Profit!

That’s it. It’s really that simple. Everyone is doing it. Seriously, go to fucking Starbucks at 11am on a weekday and look around at all the people living the dream.

See that guy holding his iPad right up to his face like he’s trying to smell it? Yeah, he’s what we call an Internet Millionaire. And he’s actually working right now, so don’t bother him.

That lady sitting alone at a table for 4 which she’s completely covered with papers? She’s also working as a pro-blogger.

They know the secret. The real secret is that if you start a blog, you’re definitely going to make a fuck-ton of money from it and then you can go to Starbucks and live the dream.

The best part is that you don’t even need to have a good idea. Just blog it up. I hear it works best if you do it from bed with a half-melted pint of Ben & Jerry’s on your nightstand. Or go to Starbucks, obviously.

Look, I don’t have a lot of time right now because this Barista just fucked up my pumpkin latte and I need to talk to her about it. But the important part is that you quit your job and get on this now.

If you don’t know what to blog about, I’ve explained it all in my next post.